Next Door Zombies - Page 30


Fri, Jun 8:


Well, we had a big scare yesterday. To start at the beginning...

So, President Doof said that Zombies aren't people. They're Human, but not people. Don't ask me how that works.

Anyway, so in our town a bunch of Zombie protesters decided that if they aren't people then they don't need birth certificates or driver's licenses or any of that other stuff. OK, they actually have a point.

The problem is that they decided that the quickest and most cathartic way of deleting their records would be to burn the courthouse down.

Are those records kept at the courthouse? I don't think anybody actually knows.

So, the courthouse was on fire, and the Zombies didn't want the fire fighters putting it out, so they sabotaged all the fire trucks.

But then the fire spread to all the nearby buildings. Now it was out of control and there was no way to stop it. On the news they said that our whole town might go up in flames and everybody should evacuate.


And I have 8 kids, and only one hazmat suit.


So, after a few minutes of panic, I came up with a plan: I would back the van up to our front porch steps. Then, I would use some tarps and duct tape to build a tunnel from the hazmat tent at the front door to the back of the van. Then, sterilize everything, and my kids can safely walk from the house into the van. Then we seal up the van and drive to my sister-in-law's house.

Problem number one: I don't have enough tarps.

Problem number two: I haven't cleared any of this with Janine. She has a small house, and 9 more sudden houseguests will definitely be a bit of a burden. And her husband Auggie is already starting to get irritated that my wife is staying there.

So I called Eliza. She said she'd discuss it with Janine. Hopefully, the fact that this is an emergency will soften Auggie's heart a bit.

She also said to use blankets. They're porous, but hopefully they'll still keep the Zombiephage out. I got the clever idea of spraying the blankets with Lysol after they're set up. Hopefully, it'll soak into the blankets and kill any germs that try to squeeze in through the tiny gaps.

So, I started building a tunnel using a complicated array of blankets and duct tape—and remember, I have to do all of this while wearing a bulky hazmat suit. And the whole thing came crashing down and I had to start over. So then I start thinking about using clothesline to reinforce the ceiling blanket, when my oldest son yells through the door for me to come in. The town called in firefighters from other towns nearby and managed to put the fire out.

I decided to leave my half-constructed tunnel in place, in case we need to make a hasty exit in the future.

Posted/Updated on March 2nd, 2019
Originally published on June 8th, 2018